Solid Ambiguity

Graphic by CoPilot AI

I may be remembering the timing incorrectly, but it seems like early in my corporate career (started at the end of 1997…) a LOT of companies were publishing job descriptions, especially when posting jobs internally or on the fairly new Internet, with one of the desired traits/skills being “to be comfortable with ambiguity”. I feel that being COMFORTABLE with ambiguity is different from being able to HANDLE ambiguity. The latter is probably the best that most of us can muster. I’ve have never, in my life, met someone who is “comfortable” with ambiguity. Every one of us seeks stability and certainty of some degree in a good chunk of our lives. Ambiguity is the speed bump you didn’t see, the change in weather on the day you were counting on it being nice, the change in plans for a day, etc. Look around you, every moment. Ambiguity abounds. (A good friend of mine wrote a blog post about this kind of expectation/schedule yanking at https://steveawiggins.com/2026/05/07/snowballs-in-spring/)

So there’s this tension we need to be aware of and learn to accept instead of ignore or react violently to. Holding each moment as distinct and not everlasting, realizing the next one is already upon us and is different than the last one. That the chances that the next moment will be as we expect, according to habit, pattern, or what we think we know, are variable.

I’ve been reading a lot of books by Brian Greene and others about quantum sciences, cosmology, and a lot of other truly fascinating (at least it is to me….) stuff. In between that and a lot of reading concerning Christian mysticism, other belief systems including Buddhism and Native Nations’ spiritual experiences and cultures leads me to believe that the reality of the mutability of each moment and awareness of that is something that relieves this tension. Acceptance and awareness, coupled with a growing realization of how this all fits together in Ecology and Cosmology.

So, I came up with a concept that allows me to hold this kind of somewhat paradoxical sense to myself. I call it SOLID AMBIGUITY. Why “solid”? Good question. That word communicates to me the picture of something that I can rely on, a very real trait of ambiguity. Right now I’m sitting in my Office/Man Cave at home. I am fortunate enough to have 4 windows here on the second floor that look directly into the trees nearby our home. The sun is out (not a REALLY consistent occurrence here in the Pacific Northwest in Spring, so enjoy it!) and the trees are full of life. I’m listening to music (of course I am…)…right now; the group Snarky Puppy, and music by Steve Reich is cued up shortly. My body is not too achy (a nice state of things that I do NOT take for granted anymore…).

Each and every one of these items (along with the untold number of others that pass by and change every moment) changes…solid ambiguity. I can count on it. Most are pretty ignorable (teeny tiny things or “expected” items that flow past). When a big change takes place like, say, a completely unforeseen gust of wind blows through and causes one of the trees I’m looking at to keel over, I can be startled. Being in the moment allows me to take that in, be mindful of my being Right Now, confront what my response should be, and over it all allow the center of my being take the stance of “Well, THAT happened…”. I need not concern myself with the event of that past moment. I can focus on the moment I’m in so I can pay attention to the time and space surrounding me now.

Everything that I’m describing is woefully inadequate to the experience. Paying attention to as much of everything in and around me is impossible to describe. There’s too much. However, the experience and discipline is there. The moment opens itself. I believe it was Thomas Merton who wrote that each moment is pregnant with the next. Pregnancy implies new life, and new life is exciting and certainly worth being grateful for.

One Fades Out, One (sometimes) Fades In

Sisyphus Photo by Gerard Van der Leun

I have a lot of things that I find of interest….some more, some less. Still, I feel that this is the norm for most of us. There’s a handful of things that you’ve held dear for your whole life, or at least for such a long time that it can FEEL like it’s been your whole life.

Then there’s the entire ocean of all the other stuff in this world that can latch onto your attention and time. The massive bulk of this you just “let be”, if only because there’s not enough time in your day or life to pay attention.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed a cognitive pattern for me that lines up, more or less, with the the attentive emotions for the duration of a deeper interest and engagement with something. An example in my life was my passion for painting. Right at the beginning of the COVID shut-down, I decided that I would try my hand at painting. I have a friend who had been doing this for awhile at that point (this friend has since excelled WAY beyond what I felt I could do….her work is, well, “jaw-droppingly wowser”….), and I felt it would be a new and different outing for my creative side. I have been a musician most of my life, but my active engagement with that side of my creative self (other than CONSTANTLY listening to music….) had drawn down, and I felt that going a new direction that I’d never even considered before would be fun and an adventure.

And indeed it was. For about two and a half years. Before I get further into that experience, I’d like to give a shout-out to all the fellow travelers who created (and continue to create) an enormous number of helpful online videos with tips and how-tos, as well as all the members of various online groups and forums of others willing to not only give a guy a hand, but commiserate about tough nuts to crack for a newbie.

So why only two plus years, you might ask? Good question. Age and growing personal awareness has led me to learn a couple of things about myself (“FINALLY!”….my inner voice exclaims). One big one one has been that, in those areas of interest and engagement, when it stops being fun, so to speak, it’s time to either take a break or give it up.

Now, I know about perseverance and cracking a tough nut. Those were and are the areas where that virtual “cloud of witnesses” encourage and support me. I’m writing about when it stops feeling like fun and starts feeling like work. I HAVE to make myself do something that I liked and might present me with a challenge for the period of time, or confront me with a hill that I need to get over. I don’t know about you, but I spent a LOT of life having to go ahead and just DO something (or take up the tug-of-war-rope ONE-MORE-TIME just to get to the next Sisphusian point) regardless of what I felt.

Well, I’m in a time in my life where I don’t really need to do that any more. Are there regular chores? Sure. But I’m not writing about those. I’m writing about stuff over which I have the agency to say, “Nope. Don’t want to do that any more. Buh-bye…”

I’ve discovered that there are more of those in my life than I thought. Over time, I examine the things I spend precious time and attention on and evaluate whether I can, or want to, scale down, ramp up, or drop them. I now know that this has NOTHING to do with being a “quitter”. What others may or may not think about my actions in that regard has had less and less an impact on my awareness and acceptance of myself than it might have had in earlier days.

I’m going to limit my banging on about this for now, but I wanted to get this out there as a testimony, and maybe as an encouragement to any one else who might stumble across this post and is confronting the ongoing changeableness of everything in this life. It’s OK. It’s normal. If it really isn’t fun any more, think about whether you want to keep going, or move on in some way.

Don’t worry about making “the wrong decision”. In most cases, there really isn’t such a thing.

The Catnip of Storytelling

It’s the time of year when some of the people you haven’t seen or heard from for awhile may reach out to get together or call or chat or send massive tomes as “Christmas Letters.” (Folks still write those, sometimes, it’s true….) I have a few folks for which this holds true, but there are a couple of old friends I’ve referred to in other posts that get together pretty regularly. We don’t run out of things to talk about, for sure. Aside from the usual catch-up, we have all these intervening years during which we didn’t really keep in touch, plus our shared youths, to consider and reconsider.

Add to this that all three of us are born storytellers, and you have the recipe for a lot of Really Long and Fascinating Conversations.

Graphic provided by CoPilot AI

What is it about telling stories versus just conveying events or facts that is so compelling to so many of us (and drives so many other people utterly bonkers….)? I feel there are several different things, some or all of which call to our story-telling breed inexorably. Some of them include:

  • The desire to provide context. The presentation of a simple data point begs (to me..) to place it in what I deduce as a position of context that provides a bit of understanding about what that data point can mean in the environment around it. While most data gets some kind of context, storytellers prefer to give it a LOT of context! This, however, doesn’t play well with the Severe PowerPoint set…..
  • Like begets like. When surrounded by other storytellers telling stories, it only feels natural to “fall into the pool” and do like likewise. It is a very comforting a life-giving place to be…
  • The story triggers vivid, irresistible memories.  These make it difficult to break off or wrap up the story. If well-told, your hearers are drawn along with you. Eventually you realize that you’ve been holding forth for quite awhile and wrap up the current discourse (I have been know to say, out loud “I need to stop talking now….“). This at least gives everyone a time to sit with the memories, or for another one of your storyteller friends to tee up one of their own.
  • Storytelling used to be how we conveyed knowledge, experience  and belief. Humankind didn’t always know how to write, or read, or anything like that. Verbal was the only way ANYTHING was passed on, and stories lend themselves easily to memory. So, we’re kind of built for it……

Each of those sits atop the next for someone like me. When I was busy working on my graduate degree, my wife (a Ph.D. scientist!) would read my work and come back to me with two primary kinds of feedback:

  • Help with my written grammar – I tend to write conversationally.
  • A single question: “What is your point here?”

The assistance was invaluable to me, both for the degree and in the following years. The single question she asked has served me well over time until retirement from the corporate world, and serves me well now when I find myself involved in situations that require me to tell a little less story with the conversation.

Nonetheless, storytelling is truly catnip for me (at least as defined as what catnip is to a cat with a serious catnip problem….I have a number of cats, so I know what that’s like….). I don’t know how much of a draw it is to others. I feel that some are more drawn to written storytelling (I have a few friends who are authors, and I see this in them), others to face-to-face conversation (enticing, plus there’s body language to express and observe….), and, thanks to all the story-telling technologies and platforms available now, many more who tell these stories in a lot of ways.

If you are a member of this tribe, leave a note in the comments with a pointer to where we can find and enjoy your stories!

See It All

I do a lot of varied reading through out the days and weeks. I just finished a book by Dr. Cornel West entitled “The American Evasion of Philosophy” and started one by Slavoj Zizek entitled “The Sublime Object of Ideology”.

Not exactly easy reads, but they are part of my ongoing desire to wrap my head around the philosophical, cultural, societal, spiritual, etc. foundations that not only surround us today, but brought us here (Lest you think I’m buried in this stuff, I’m also reading/listening to other books – War & Peace, Limit by Frank Schätzing, a History of Spain, Theology of the Old Testament by Walter Brueggemann, The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene, and a couple of others…..I like being able to switch gears as well as get exposed to the unpredictable ways all of these can shine different lights on each other).

As I read the early part of the book by Zizek, he mentioned a “progressive theorist of education” from the Sixties who published a study in which a group of children were asked to draw an image of themselves playing at home. A few years later, after some years in primary school, the same group of youngsters were asked to do it again. There was quite a difference. The early self-portraits were “exuberant, lively, full of colours, surrealistically playful…” The later portraits were much more subdued. Most of the group chose to use only regular pencils, although other colours and drawing pieces were available. Predictably, this experiment was taken “as proof of the ‘oppressiveness’ of the school apparatus, of how the drill and discipline of school squash children’s spontaneous creativity, and so on and so forth.” (Slavoj Zizek, The Sublime Object of Ideology, pg. ix)

While not entirely subscribing to this viewpoint, I began to think about the experience and perception of each of us, surrounding expectations regarding what we see, and a whole host of other influences, factors and limitations. I remember clearly, to my later shame, working with my kindergarten-age daughter to try and help her learn to color within the lines of work that she had from school. My goal was to try and help her be successful at school, without thinking about the joy of coloring outside the lines. She worked very hard to do this, which slowed her down considerably, thereby finding a different avenue from which to annoy her teacher (she later was told, in class, to just stop working at it so they could move onto the next thing on the classroom schedule…..She felt like such a failure…).

Visualize this process. Take this photo:

Graphic 1: Source unknown

A younger child, asked to draw this, gives you something like this:

Graphic 2: rendered by CoPilot

A few years later, upon being led into the world of “how a grown-up would do it”, the artist hands you this:

Graphic 2: rendered by CoPilot

From the vantage point of someone about to turn 70, I meditated on this conclusion by the educational theorist, my experience as a parent and member of our society and culture and years of life folding like layers upon my awareness. If the photo, as regards this writing, represents what I ACTUALLY see, then the two drawings are not an either/or perception……they are both/and and beyond.

The first drawing has, perhaps, more vibrancy and colorful impressions of the reality. The second, however, isn’t ‘wrong’. It observes a more Platonic ‘essence’ of the subject, with clarity and precision that the first one misses (although, to be fair, ability and the difficulty of working crayons when in youngster “Woo-Hoo!” mode can make clarity, etc. harder to capture….).

So, there’s more there. It is NOT a matter of one being Right and other being Wrong. Not only are they both Right, but there’s even more there to see. Throughout your day, sit with the moment and try to restrain your own ‘monkey mind’ concerning the things you see. Just take the grace and time to see them, accept them, and realize that others may see different things about them than you do, which isn’t wrong. Taken together, you may both be “right” with more to see together.

I’m feeling that I want to see what I see more in light of the first drawing. The colour, the life, the vibrancy lead me to a mindfulness I don’t access any other way.

A Journey of Gaps

Graphic by CoPilot AI

I keep reading, especially in the book I’m into about Sartre and his thought journey right now, of the unusual place of art in establishing a counter voice in times of upheaval and uncertain restraints. It’s hard for me, as I feel like I only have one or two drums to beat, and that I’ve whomped on them before, so what’s new there? I’m not sure….Perhaps the context of a new day or a different focus?

That said, I have friends who take part in various arts (music, visual, written) in regular and copious expression. I’m a bit envious of their compulsion/addiction to their artistry. But I know that I can’t compare myself to them. I can look at who I was yesterday and look at myself today. Moving this moment forward is the only change I get to really take part in, and life teaches me that THAT changeableness is the norm of Reality. Without being driven over by events, flexibility and openness to the call in that moment and the next is what I can pay attention to and live into and out of.

My real passion for the past 4 or so years has been to read and learn as much as I can. My personal library is enormous, and I’m guilty of only reading about 30+% of the books I purchased in my life (years ago I used to comb through book stores while I worked in the military or in corporate, telling myself that I was obtaining them for when I didn’t have the funds to buy them any more. Of course, being a true bibliophile, I always came up with fund for more books).

Then there’s the desire to reread those few works that call to me to be experienced again, for whatever reason. There may only be so much time between today and the day I will be unable to read or understand what I can take in, so I do my best to cover a lot of ground now. As the eyes give out, that is a challenge, although I am mightily grateful for audio books…..I only wish they also had more of the other books I have that haven’t been produced in audio yet, but it’s a good start.

Anyway, as I have studied more in the (somewhat overlapping) areas of linguistic theory, critical literature theory, theology and mysticism in a number of religions, cognitive science, psychology and communication, the histories of other cultures (and their global influence), and the kind of Zen-like qualities of quantum mechanics (I’m a science geek, but I don’t have the math and physics chops to go very deep there, still….it’s awfully cool!)…my initial question to myself when I started this particular journey was, and still is, “What brings us to this place in society today, and what can I better grasp in order be an intelligent and love/life-giving person in this world?”

That’s an inadequately expressed, shortened goal. There are any number of rabbit trails to head down in working toward filling in the gaps in my understanding, usually uncovering scores of new gaps as I go. I’ll pass on some of the stuff I find out about, if it seems like it might interest you as much as it does me.

Witness As Being

Image by Alex Carabi

While staying with them, he ordered them not to leave Jerusalem, but to wait there for the promise of the Father. “This,” he said, “is what you have heard from me; for John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now.”

So when they had come together, they asked him, “Lord, is this the time when you will restore the kingdom to Israel?” He replied, “It is not for you to know the times or periods that the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” When he had said this, as they were watching, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight. – Acts 1: 4-9 NRSV

When I carry forward what I wrote about earlier on what “witness” means in various contexts into this text, something jumps out at me: the phrase that I used to hear when I was much younger, “Let’s go out witnessing!” seems misplaced…

Being a witness isn’t an activity I set out to do or accomplish. I am a witness by virtue of experiencing God’s Spirit and power in my life. Jesus didn’t say “y’all go out witnessing to the world!” He said, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” (emphasis is mine)

The text above mentions receiving power in the Holy Spirit twice before then telling the disciples that they will be witnesses. Certainly this doesn’t mean that NOW God will start to work in their lives, NOW God will start to demonstrate His power……God’s been working in their lives for quite awhile! The Holy Spirit living in Love and Power through and from them into the world around them heightens their awareness of what they have experienced. The Spirit gives them the loving insight into what that might mean to those around them, and the wisdom to recognize the dire need for God’s Grace in each and every one about them. They each learn how to express their experience, both in love and in restorative justice, that allows their witness to show, not themselves, but our loving and graceful God to that person.

Being a witness isn’t something we train up to do. We are witnesses. There are things we can learn from our community, from spiritual friends and others that can lead us to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s work, and perhaps, more wisdom about being the witness that God has placed us in this life to be, right now, with this person……but the central experience is your experience with God in your life.

Prayerfully consider your rich relationship with God, and present that as an open book through which the Spirit breathes grace for others.

Witness Existence

Witness
Verb or Noun?

I have spent a lot of time lately studying and pondering the role of a witness in our world. I watch a lot of police procedural shows on TV (think “Law and Order” for example…) and so I thought I’d develop my own definition first before heading over to Dictionary.com. Here’s what I came up with:

A witness is an individual who has seen and/or experienced something about which someone else wants information. Despite the differences any number of witnesses might have in individual perceptions, strength and reliability of memory, and the ability to clearly express themselves, it is expected that, from “honest” answers, a clearer picture of what really happened develops. The picture builds greater certainty in what this “something” is/was.

So then, if only out of curiosity, I went over to Dictionary.com and compared what was there with mine:

verb (used with object)

  1. to see, hear, or know by personal presence and perception – e.g. to witness an accident
    1. to be present at (an occurrence) as a formal witness, spectator, bystander, etc. – e.g. she witnessed our wedding

verb (to be used without object)

  1. to bear witness; testify; give or afford evidence

noun

  1. an individual who, being present, personally sees or perceives a thing; a beholder, spectator, or eyewitness
    1. a person or thing that affords evidence
    1. a person who gives testimony, as in a court of law

…and so on. You get the idea.

The first thing I noticed is that, generally, a witness is first and foremost, someone who actually experienced something and then can share that experience. The witness’s story is what gives the event credibility in the eyes of others. As others (the “cloud of witnesses”) tell their stories and these stories lend further credibility to an event, the more likely those who are trying to find out what really happened (the event….) find the event believable for themselves.

So the idea I arrived at is that you don’t set out to become a witness.

You are a witness, by virtue of the experiences you have. Others are more interested in your story than in a lecture, especially in these days when “words are cheap” but living experiences are real.

Consider your experiences of God, what that relationship does in your world, and how God’s love is lived from you into this world. Witness.

Being: Salt

“You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything, but is thrown out and trampled under foot.” – Matthew 5: 13 (NRSV)

For quite some time now I have been fascinated with incorporating “being” in my life and awareness. This hasn’t been easy, nor is it ever “done.” (I know I’m using quotation marks a lot here, but bear with me…)

A term and concept that has gained a lot of attention is mindfulness. This is an aspect of being that I include in my dialogues, but my growing understanding and experience of being (I’m dropping the quotation marks for that word at this point…) is only part of it.

Mindfulness, to me, is being fully aware of the moment in which I reside, at any given moment. It implies a certain kind of attention that is neither cast backward nor forward. One way of looking at how I apprehend being at this time is kind of mindfulness without the attention. Let me explain further….

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Listening: Attention or Intention?

Attention Listening

Listening

“PAY ATTENTION!!!!!”

In your life, how many times have you heard that phrase, either from someone else or your internal voice? Shutting out distractions like noise, devices or the torrent of thoughts and imagination that the Buddhist tradition has termed the “monkey mind” seems nearly impossible. We slap ourselves internally in some fashion, and try to refocus on the speaker. This can be just as jarring as the distractions themselves!

Mindful Listening is really not about attention. It’s about intention. Let me explain how I understand and experience the difference.

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Mindfulness and Taking Stock

Mindfulness

Mindfulness

This past week was a good and difficult one.
One of the hard bits was working to get five + days of work done in three, as I had scheduled Thursday and Friday off to celebrate my anniversary and birthday. I work to do this every year and have been pretty successful to date, although banishing work from my mind is always a challenge as an entrepreneur. Still, it was good to get away from the screens and focus on each day and the moments each held, along with the commemoration activities.
I focus on this set of events for a couple of reasons.
First, I wish to celebrate life and relationships, and this is another way to mark them as memorable and life-giving.
Second, this particular birthday gives me pause. I am now the age my father was when he was consumed by cancer and died. That, along with the near approaching anniversary of the death of my younger brother in two weeks, I am particularly aware of being present in each moment and how this manifests itself in my “normal activities”…..”normal activities” being the usual, rather mundane things of every day.
You may be thinking (if you’ve read this far..), “Why is he writing about this on a business blog?” A fair question…

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