Relationships

Best

/ Jeff Hora / 2 Comments
Graphic by CoPilot AI – Living My Best

I wrote earlier about having read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and outlining the Four Agreements at the heart of that book:

  1. Be impeccable with your word.
  2. Don’t take anything personally.
  3. Don’t make assumptions.
  4. Always do your best.

I want to write about each of these, and have decided to go backwards through this list. So, I will start with the Agreement “Always do your best.”.

I am concerned about clear communication, context, and meaning. That concern makes this Agreement challenging. Here are a couple of the challenges:

  1. Consensus on the meaning of certain words like “best” and “always“.
  2. The overall effect of this Agreement on mindfulness and sense of self.

First, the meaning of words. I have written on this blog a lot about the difficulty of agreeing on the shared meaning of a word. Sometimes, in the context of a conversation, you can use a generic definition of, say, “car”, if that vagueness will work in the context of the conversation. However, if the kind of car and the context of its ownership, condition, etc. is what is driving the conversation, then you need to spend more time mutually defining the car. There is, of course, a big difference between a top-end 2026 Ferrari and an old, rusted-out, barely-functional 1961 Dodge Dart, so you need to agree on what the car is.

So, in the context of this Agreement, what does “best” mean? Well, what ISN’T it? It is not a line or standard set by someone else. There may be goals or metrics that you’re presented with towards which you or your team aspire, but they do not define your best. “Best” is a movable beast. You are an organic being, and there are a huge number of factors and conditions that moderate what is your “best” in every moment. Only you can know what your best is at any given time.

For example, I have certain disciplines I work very hard at, including walking. For a number of reasons, I tend to walk on our heavy-duty treadmill in 2-hour stretches at 2.4 miles per hour. I do this 3 days a week. There are days I have scheduled walks that can only go an hour, or weeks where I can only walk 1 or 2 days that week, and sometimes 4 days a week. Any more than that per week, for me, actually hurts me more than helps. I have discovered my “best” through trial and error, and it remains a moving target. Some days I’m not feeling well, so I either move the day that I’m going to walk, or, if my schedule doesn’t permit, I have to cancel that one. But, THAT is my “best” for that day and for that week. The thing that I can’t do is blame myself for not making this goal. I am doing my best. Taking the day off on that day is my best, especially when I consider one of the things I work at is learning to listen to my body. Best is Best.

The overall effect of this Agreement is to help me understand my own sense of being in every moment and know what is the right thing to do, and if I can’t do it, or fail doing it in some way, I am still doing my best in that moment! As I keep expanding in mindfulness, I can more clearly see what my “best” is in that moment. And I can follow that awareness into the next moment (and the next, etc….) so when I am presented with the next bit of life, I can know more clearly what “best” is or looks like.

If I mess things up, to the degree possible, I move past that assessment and work on the “Best” in the next moment. Mistakes are great for learning, but obsessing after the fact only minimizes the mindfulness of the moment I’m in NOW, making it more difficult to get to my current “best”.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from this Agreement is that acting on my best means never having to “fall on my sword” if I don’t hit some arbitrary target or disappoint someone. Best is Best. Goals are kind of imaginary, and someone else’s reaction to my best in any moment is not something I can control and not really my problem. I have no idea what the inner life of another is like, what they are demanding of themselves, their context, etc. Their reaction to me is their inner event, not mine. I’ll write more about this when I post on Agreement #2 – Don’t take anything personally. For now, rest and take comfort in hitting your best in every moment. Only you know what that is. Pay attention to it. Like now…

Which Part(s) Do You See?

/ Jeff Hora / 3 Comments
Graphic by CoPilot AI

A picture I’ve carried in my head for a long time about experience, observation and communication is one of a lovely gem.

I have placed before me, in one form or another, a person, an item, an event, something old, something new, etc. Something that is new or transient can flash past. It could go so fast I don’t really get a chance to see anything but the blur as it goes by. Those can leave an impression, but, unless they come swinging back like some sort of yo-yo, my attention moves on.

The gem analogy for me emerges with people or things or any of the other things I listed above that I see again and relatively frequently. The attention focused on differing facets of the gem, especially as I turn it in my hand, show me things about the gem that differ from what I saw before, and give me a better apprehension of the the gem in toto.

Take the example of someone I see pretty frequently, but maybe not every day. On different days, this person exhibits different feelings or shades of feelings. As our relationship grows and deepens, other feelings and conversations reveal themselves. Being mindful, open and accepting, I can “turn the gem” and see innumerable aspects of this person and who they really are. I’ll probably still miss a ton, because I am limited by my only-too-human focus on one thing at a time, or my own filters, preconceived notions and beliefs, culture, and “programming”. However, investing attention and non-judgmental care in moments with this person delivers such treasures that even my clodhopper handling of the gem yields wonders, appreciation, love and care for this this other fellow person that I’m left breathless.

The more I turn the gem, the harder it becomes for me to verbalize the entire, holistic, total view and appreciation of this fellow traveler. When I reach the point where the other compatriot becomes almost indescribable to someone else, I know I’m crossing that fuzzy line where I get that we’re both equal components of this creation. This goes for all the other items I mentioned above.

We are all alive as connected creation here. As I remember, we were called out as being “Very Good!” from the Beginning, right?

The Catnip of Storytelling

/ Jeff Hora / 1 Comment

It’s the time of year when some of the people you haven’t seen or heard from for awhile may reach out to get together or call or chat or send massive tomes as “Christmas Letters.” (Folks still write those, sometimes, it’s true….) I have a few folks for which this holds true, but there are a couple of old friends I’ve referred to in other posts that get together pretty regularly. We don’t run out of things to talk about, for sure. Aside from the usual catch-up, we have all these intervening years during which we didn’t really keep in touch, plus our shared youths, to consider and reconsider.

Add to this that all three of us are born storytellers, and you have the recipe for a lot of Really Long and Fascinating Conversations.

Graphic provided by CoPilot AI

What is it about telling stories versus just conveying events or facts that is so compelling to so many of us (and drives so many other people utterly bonkers….)? I feel there are several different things, some or all of which call to our story-telling breed inexorably. Some of them include:

  • The desire to provide context. The presentation of a simple data point begs (to me..) to place it in what I deduce as a position of context that provides a bit of understanding about what that data point can mean in the environment around it. While most data gets some kind of context, storytellers prefer to give it a LOT of context! This, however, doesn’t play well with the Severe PowerPoint set…..
  • Like begets like. When surrounded by other storytellers telling stories, it only feels natural to “fall into the pool” and do like likewise. It is a very comforting a life-giving place to be…
  • The story triggers vivid, irresistible memories.  These make it difficult to break off or wrap up the story. If well-told, your hearers are drawn along with you. Eventually you realize that you’ve been holding forth for quite awhile and wrap up the current discourse (I have been know to say, out loud “I need to stop talking now….“). This at least gives everyone a time to sit with the memories, or for another one of your storyteller friends to tee up one of their own.
  • Storytelling used to be how we conveyed knowledge, experience  and belief. Humankind didn’t always know how to write, or read, or anything like that. Verbal was the only way ANYTHING was passed on, and stories lend themselves easily to memory. So, we’re kind of built for it……

Each of those sits atop the next for someone like me. When I was busy working on my graduate degree, my wife (a Ph.D. scientist!) would read my work and come back to me with two primary kinds of feedback:

  • Help with my written grammar – I tend to write conversationally.
  • A single question: “What is your point here?”

The assistance was invaluable to me, both for the degree and in the following years. The single question she asked has served me well over time until retirement from the corporate world, and serves me well now when I find myself involved in situations that require me to tell a little less story with the conversation.

Nonetheless, storytelling is truly catnip for me (at least as defined as what catnip is to a cat with a serious catnip problem….I have a number of cats, so I know what that’s like….). I don’t know how much of a draw it is to others. I feel that some are more drawn to written storytelling (I have a few friends who are authors, and I see this in them), others to face-to-face conversation (enticing, plus there’s body language to express and observe….), and, thanks to all the story-telling technologies and platforms available now, many more who tell these stories in a lot of ways.

If you are a member of this tribe, leave a note in the comments with a pointer to where we can find and enjoy your stories!

Days of Celebration and Gratitude

/ Jeff Hora / Leave a comment
Graphic rendered by CoPilot AI

Now, that may read like a pompous title for a post, but let me relate the context here…..

Throughout the calendar year, everyone has days of particular memory, good or bad, that float up for annual pondering. I’m no different. In my life today, and for many years past, I live a block of days that each have their significance, together and apart.

In my life they have landed in this order (further explanation a little later…):

  • Bachelor Party Day
  • Wedding Anniversary
  • My Birthday
  • Veterans’ Day

These, celebrated every year, always lead me to focus on my past, present, and potential. While each has a much more involved story, here are some fore-shortened versions:

  • Bachelor Party Day – The day before my wife and I got married, we were both so amped up that we went ahead and put on our rings, and went to a hole-in-the-wall Greek restaurant for supper, then went wandering around a mall. We were so giddy about the next day that we just had to get out and burn off some emotional energy together. It was fun, and a day we both remember. The anticipation was glowing!
  • Wedding Anniversary – Many of you have had this kind of commemoration in your lives, and, if not, you know what it is. Like anyone who has lived this experience, there are a lot of big and little things I remember. Each of them is like a small light, which, when put together with all of the other small lights of that day, make the total memory (which, as I’ve gotten older, has further solidified some, mythologized some others, and allowed some others to fade a bit…). My life since that day has not been the same, and is lived in light. Some light has been harder to see at some times over the years than some other light, but it was still there.
  • My Birthday – If you’re reading this, you have one of these…someplace. Some birthdays are memorable, some pass by almost unnoticed. Some are, or feel like, milestones (I have just had my 70th and THAT feels like a milestone to me…..). I’m fortunate enough to have my immediate family living here, and several close friends, along with the stream of friends I keep in touch with, one way or another, across the ether and locally. They are all wonderful people and I am so very grateful for them. Their ongoing friendship, kinship, and intelligence makes our touching base on this day in some way more meaningful.
  • Veterans’ Day – The inclusion of this day can seem odd to some, except that I spent a large portion of my life in the U.S. Navy Music Program and the National Guard (the latter while I was in college for 5 years….). Being in a Navy Band meant that I ALWAYS had a gig to perform on Veterans’ Day, and, early in my career, enabled me to meet several women and men who were beyond any appreciation I alone could give. At one ceremony in Chicago, I got to meet a World War 1 vet. At Pearl Harbor, I got to meet a number of veteran survivors of that attack (as an aside, my father-in-law was a Pearl Harbor survivor, and my brother-in-law was a Vietnam War vet who suffered from Agent Orange exposure; my Dad was a Korean War vet, my brother was an Iraq War vet, I have several cousins who served in Afghanistan, and other uncles who served in World War 2….lots of love in our family for Vets….). I am humbled to be a member of this huge community, and I feel gratitude every day for all that’s been done, all that’s being done, and the integrity of you all.

I get to celebrate and dwell on memory through this block of days at this time every year.

I don’t know, obviously, what each of your experiences are and what kinds of memory-encased days you may carry with you. I just want to express the particular frame I encounter every year at this time. Remembrance can truly help focus perspective. Each time this block of days comes up, there are always interesting things going on in my life, community, and world. Celebrate and be grateful…a pretty decent way to approach them for me, and I hope for you too.

Mind The Gap(s)

/ Jeff Hora / 1 Comment

The longer I live and the more avenues we all have to “converse” with each other or to the broad public arena, the more I feel like language ties us up. It can feel like going out into the woods and going “Boo-ge-da, Boo-ge-da!” to the trees.

Language is so part and parcel of our experience, each of which is singular and unique, that crafting communication to clarity seems harder and harder. Here’s an example I like to use:

Let’s say that I sit down with a new acquaintance and she tells me that she has two dogs. Here are the two dogs that I visualize:

Credit: https://pixnio.com/fauna-animals/dogs/two-puppies-dogs

However, here are the two dogs she loves and cares for:

Credit: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Great_dane.jpg

…and…

Credit: https://www.pickpik.com/chihuahua-dog-puppy-baby-play-young-108669

Now, as we continue to get to know each other, and as often as the subject of her dogs comes up in our chatting, I may gain a better idea of what her dogs are really like. However, my first internal impression is still there, even if it starts to evolve to a closer view of the truth.

If this is any indication of how something as basic as “dog” can get misinterpreted, here are a few words that have even greater latitude in interpretation and personal/cultural definitions:

  • Work
  • Freedom
  • Family
  • Father
  • Mother
  • Boss
  • Dangerous
  • Sickness
  • Rich
  • Poor
  • God
  • Socialist
  • Fascist
  • Vote
  • Neighbor
  • Home
  • City/Town
  • Country (meaning either Nation or Rural)

….and so on. Needless to say, any one of these words and concepts can drive a terrific conversation. A number of years ago, well before I received my Master of Communication from the University of Washington, I grew fascinated by how humans communicate, manipulate, and shape discussion. Since then I’ve nurtured my deepening fascination for quantum science, philosophy, and theology.

These all inform each other. I keep uncovering what I feel are really cool cross-meanings and enlightening points of view that help me to further my journey. I will never understand it all (especially the quantum science, but a deep bow is due to Brian Greene and his books….they lead me through the quantum briar patch better than most….).

The “Gaps” I refer to in the title to this post are the gaps in clarity and understanding that we, as humans, ignore at our peril. I deeply believe that part of the course we need to navigate in this world, and especially here in the United States, is one of “Minding the Gap(s)” in the understanding and empathy with all the members of our community.

“Holy Crap!” you might rightly exclaim. “That’s not a cognitive stance I can take with everyone!!!”

Well, no, probably not. It’s hard work and tends to take more time in an interchange than our rushed and breathless lives will allow. So, start small…start with someone close to you, that you interact with most every day.

In many ways, this will be a harder task, because, if you really are with them a lot every day, you’re used to a lot of conversational assumptions, which is pretty normal. There are, so to say, more gaps to mind. So, if you need to, choose another person. Listen in an open way, not busy composing what you will say or reply in return while you “listen”. Again, not easy, as it isn’t part of what we do naturally as humans, and certainly not part of your normal discourse, but give it a shot. Listen openly……ask clarifying questions (“HOW BIG is your first dog? WOW!!!”). Listen to the tone of her voice. Pay attention to facial expressions and body language (tough to do online, for sure, hence our challenges communicating there…more on that at a later time).

Each gap you mind will uncover additional gaps, for sure. Just going deeper with one person is a lifetime process. Broadening the effort to others will clear and uncover immeasurable other gaps. It’s all good. You’re deepening your relationships with those around you and gaining an understanding and empathy you can’t get any other way.

So, if you’re always trying figure out what’s going on, this can be an important part of the journey for you. It has been for me, so far….

Forward Into The Past

/ Jeff Hora / Leave a comment
Cartoon rendered by CoPilot AI

It can sometimes take a long time for the technologies that I’ve gotten used to and the other threads of my life to get entangled in a more meaningful way.

OK, so some background story should be filled in here.

It has been a LONG time since I left home to join the U.S. Navy Music program back in 1973. While not a strict introvert, my close friends at home were small in number. We all pretty much went our own ways when time sprung us from home. That’s the apparent effect that many of us experience once we’re past the high school graduation experience. Being young, and having been around each other so much, “staying in touch” wasn’t so much in our DNA as much as going out to get hip-deep into life, whatever that was going to be for each of us.

Still over the years, there have been a couple of friends that I have stayed in very infrequent touch with. Over the decades we stayed vaguely aware of where each other was geographically and the status of our families (I was always WAY behind in keeping track of their children and what they were doing, but I was having a hard time keeping up with them personally and getting through everyday life, as I’m sure they were to.) Every once in awhile (like every few years…) we might have an impromptu phone call or a “drive-by ” visit, but generally life rolled on.

The rise of the kind of video calling that tech has brought into mainstream awareness and usage in the past several years, as well as personal advancing years, made me even more aware of what kind of regular get-together might be put together. At the beginning of this year, one of my friends lost his loving wife to heart disease (and the host of maladies that brings with it….). My other friend that I had kept in closer touch with had experienced a messy divorce a number of years earlier. All three of us seemed pretty comfortable with the online video tech, so I orchestrated a 3-way chat to catch up. I didn’t really understand the importance of this at the time…

We all like to talk and tell stories, which meant that I needed to block an entire afternoon for the chat, but that was fine. Being retired, my time (and theirs) was flexible, and it would be really good to be able to reacquaint each of us to the other in this context. The time spent was richer and more meaningful than I thought possible. We each came away from the chat hungry for more time together.

Since then we have gathered a least once a month. Other one-on-one chats spawned from the group chats, as we check up on each other. Rekindling these friendships has been one of the truly bright spots of this year for me, and one that I feel we have found to be valuable past valuing. I have rediscovered two extremely unique men that I valued highly long ago, and value even more now, if that’s possible. Lifetimes of experience, along with insights of life from the different parts of the country we live (I live in the Pacific Northwest, another lives in the Midwest, and the other on the Southern East Coast), along with finding out how well, or badly, we remember events from our past…..all these things, along with the joy that comes from experiencing afresh why we all became friends to begin with so may years ago….I can’t recommend it high enough.

If you have a friend that lives afar, either in time or space (or both…), and you haven’t caught up in awhile, do that. As humans, we are made for relationships, and building or rebuilding them is a good thing.